Dear Diary,
How have you been? I have shared nothing here for a while now and I have missed you.
I forgot how therapeutic this page is for me to write out all my thoughts before I spiral into the dark side and do something impulsive. It’s good to reconnect with you because I have something to share, once again, hoping to relate to people, hoping to separate all these anxious thoughts.
Lately, I’ve been bombarded by people and by my thoughts, this word that won’t leave me alone – Enjoyment.
Tell me, what is your definition of ‘enjoyment’? What do you think are the things you enjoy doing, or… the things that people and society think you should enjoy doing? Convoluted question, isn’t it?
Here I am, at 2 a.m. on one Saturday night, the question of someone asking me ‘How are you so boring?’ rolling in my mind. The question playing on a loop that just won’t pause and let me sleep. I try not to let comments like these bother me, but once in a while, they hit right in the chest.
Picture this in a high-pitched voice, like they can’t believe you said something, and it’s a blasphemy or some shit – ‘You don’t enjoy [Insert a thing they love doing] GASP What are you doing with your life?’
Here’s the context to go with my monologue: I told someone I love to stay at home and read during the weekends and would prefer that over going out with strangers. Their response – How are you so boring?
I had several answers lined up, one of them being flipping them off – but it’s not an acceptable social answer. So I went with, ‘Your definition of Enjoyment differs vastly from mine’. They agreed, but (obviously) I couldn’t let it go.
It’s this word that has made me draw out my sword and slash out words on the paper. An answer to this question, and something that I and literally everyone needs to accept.
You enjoy what you enjoy. Life is short to do something that someone else enjoys doing and you simply don’t.
I loathe the perception of enjoyment that people have. Social Media and Society’s acceptable standards – Going out on weekends – clubbing or trekking, meeting strangers and making them your new friend, having a plethora of friends to party all night and blah frigging blah.
And honestly, for me, these things bore me to tears – unless I am with my trusted circle.
Going out and partying with strangers or people I barely know? – Nope.
Large group of friends? – Tiring.
Small talks with people? – Skip.
Having plans every weekend? – No, I don’t.
It’s high time everyone realized this. It is your perception of enjoyment that should matter to you. No one else’s.
Me? I love reading books and listening to music on most weekends. Love experiencing new things through the fictional journey of the characters, love the explicit scenes that some books have, giggling like hell, falling for the heroes and the anti-heroes.
I love staying at home with my parents. Enjoy gossiping with mom about my crushes, people I love and hate. Sharing my idealistic and pessimistic thoughts about life (which she rarely agrees with). Love watching cricket or channels about the Stock Market with my dad.
I love hanging out with my small and trusted group of friends – ones that literally know me inside and out. They bear with my asocial tendencies and I am always grateful they never gave up on me for that. They take me out of my comfort zone and sometimes let me stay and join me once in a while.
I enjoy these introspective moments, where I validate myself for feeling the things I feel, to promise myself that there’s nothing wrong with me. Where I write all these thoughts before they fester into something darker.
Everyone’s definition of enjoyment is different. Some probably think I am not living my life at all – but ultimately it is my life and you have no say in it.
To people who are reading this right now, it’s okay. If you plan to chill out doing nothing every weekend – GOOD FOR YOU. And if you plan to go clubbing with your friends – GOOD FOR YOU.
Like some enjoy clubbing on weekends, others enjoy just chilling at home doing absolutely nothing. Like some thrive on adventures, others thrive on fictional fantasies.
Do not shove your definition of enjoyment on someone else and make them feel small. Everyone is different, with different mindsets and unique personalities.
Do things you love doing, that is all.
If you read through the whole thing, thank you for taking the time.
I will meet you soon.
Until next post,
Priyanka K.
Priyanka K 